I Am Still Here

Content Warning: This post is about the anniversary of my suicide attempt. I have not described any details of the actual attempt, but I wanted to give a warning as to what this post’s topic is.

Five years ago I tried to take my own life.

August 27th will always be a difficult day for me. It’s a day where I feel incredibly sad when I think about how much pain I was in. It’s a day where I also feel proud of how far I’ve come. It’s a day where I feel guilt and shame over the pain I almost caused my family and friends. It’s a day where I don’t usually know how to describe how it is that I’m feeling.

The months leading up to August 27th bring a lot of flashbacks. I notice an increase in my anxiety and depression as the day approaches. I honestly don’t know what to say about today. I don’t know how exactly this five year anniversary is making me feel. I don’t know how to describe it other than a decrease in my positive and happy energy.

I do know that I’m incredibly happy and thankful to still be here today. I know that I have gained so much strength in the last five years. I know I have really found myself and figured out what it is that I want to do with my voice. I know that despite still battling depression (sometimes more than others) I have never felt anywhere near as low and hopeless as I did five years ago.

I should feel proud of all of that, right? Well, I do. Except that doesn’t change the reoccurring flashbacks and sadness. It doesn’t change how difficult this day is for me. It doesn’t change that I still cannot seem to find the words to describe how today truly makes me feel.

I think this day will always be hard for me. I wish I could say that every single year it gets significantly easier, but I can’t. Does it get a little bit easier? Yes, it does. But only a little.

I don’t have some great realization to put at the end of this post. This post is simply to acknowledge how significant today is to my story. This post is to potentially help me process my thoughts and feelings because writing usually helps do that. This post is to bring awareness to some of the more vulnerable parts of my recovery.

This post is to say that I am glad I am still here.